I had a friend ask me for advice on how to deal with a boyfriend who constantly breaks up with her when they fight. This “friend” is someone I know only through a social media site so obviously I could only say so much without knowing the entire situation. So only knowing very little I told her number 1, no one should be breaking up with anyone during a fight. Couples should be “allowed” to fight freely, never worrying about hearing those awful words “Its over” “I want a divorce” “I am breaking up with you.”
I asked her why he broke up? She basically told me she has been going through some rough times financially etc. so she is having to close her business. Surely you can imagine her state of mind. Being a woman I instantly know she is feeling insecure, out of control and overwhelmed. This is a time where you need your “man” to step up and just have your back. You need him to let you know everything is going to be ok. NOT breakup with you in a heated argument!
He told her “she has changed” well hell yeah she has changed she is going through an awful time. She said he used to be the man that had her back, made her feel secure w/in the relationship, he was a true man. Then she started to become insecure after he began to breakup with her during arguments. Then her financial and business situation started to crumble leading into more insecurities. You see where I’m going with this? He was great when everything was “ok”. As soon as things became difficult, as soon as problems occurred he started to run.
This is a huge red flag. He cant hang in there when things are tough. Relationships are not going to be easy breezy all of the time. Getting through those tough times together as a couple is what makes you stronger as a team! You are supposed to be partners.
I wonder if this is where the “long term relationship” really is the underdog to the “Marriage”?? I mean isnt it much easier to just break up than get a divorce? I think she has been with him for like 3 years. Seems to me he is not the one. He wants the fun easy relationship. He doesnt want a partner in life. He doesnt want to go through everything with her, good and bad.
Im not sure how she feels about Marriage but I wonder if at 3 years he hasnt asked you to marry does that tell you right there he isnt wanting to be with you long term? Should we expect a man to go through everything with us if he isnt our husband?
You figure it takes a good year to get to know someone. So lets say a man proposes after 1 year then you get married a year later or so. Now you are married, your a team and it all happened just before the 3 year mark. This is a serious man. A man that knows he wants to be with you forever, that is his INTENTION. Now a man that just remains your boyfriend for 3 years, he isnt ready to be your life partner so should we be surprised when he breaks up with you in tough times?
By a man not proposing and making you his wife does that tell us everything we need to know even before the break up? Its like if everything goes ok we can remain boyfriend girlfriend but as soon as something gets tough Im out of here. But with the man that asks you to marry him he is telling you “Im here with you through everything” hey it may not always end up like that but those are his intentions, otherwise he would’ve just kept you as a girlfriend.
I think anything past 3 years (unless both people dont want to marry) is just a moment away from a breakup.
Remember people, your relationship should be set aside when fighting. The relationship should not be in jeopardy during a fight. We all should be allowed to argue freely. If we feel insecure, we are not going to communicate effectively when arguing. We will be too scared you are going to say “its over.”
July 7, 2009 at 7:04 am
Very well put and may I add, if he brings up hurtful stuff during a fight from the past 3yrs later, he still hasnt let go or forgiven you for it, which means you now have a trust issue you didnt know you had as well. So now the respect is gone because he has insulted you, broke up with you numeraous amount of times, implied you were a liar, put you down as a person etc… the trust is gone….where is the love?
3 key ingredients that are the foundation of a successful relationship:
Respect, Trust, Love.
Be smart ladies, dont miss the red flags!
July 14, 2009 at 7:40 pm
True that you could only say so much seeing as you knew only a small part of a very one sided story.
Respect, Trust and Love… Respect meaning you would not lie to me about men you were seeing? No wonder I had no trust in you, everytime you became distant you were making plans to see this guy again, no matter how innocent you claimed it was. So yes Rose, once more the wounded self can only focus with what was wrong with the other person, and not focus with what was wrong with herself. And you have questions you want to discuss, you never cease to amaze me…
And ladies, here is a thought, if a guy breaks up with you, let him! Rather than crying and parking outside his home and making veiled threats only to later take them back by saying you would never have done those things. Rather than almost killing the two of you in a car. Rather than see your faults and try and fix them. Rather than all these things, just let him go. If he realizes he is wrong he’ll come back. My only mistake was letting her friend get me back together with her the first time this happened.
And no Rose, this break up was not about any of these things. It was simply that you could not follow through with the things we said we needed to do to avoid our monthly fights. No, again I got the bullshit cop out, “I’m a woman, you should be asking me what is wrong.” Well everything was always wrong now wasn’t it, how the fuck would I know that you were pissed at me when everything in the world made you snap?
God bless the Internet…
July 15, 2009 at 3:49 pm
its so easy to throw punches when the other person is already down and cant defend themselves but in this case I will. Not an attempt to regain control but i deserve to be heard too.
love,trust and respect- I wont bother to mention the things you did in the past to hurt me as they are in the past and unlike you, I wanted to “fix” us and move forward with you. So I will focus on the recent break up.
As always you pulled on the strings of my heart controlling every direction our relationship took.
After 4 yrs of claiming your undeniable love for me, you decided it was over in a heated discussion by hunging up the phone cutting my words and than followed with a “we’re done”text’! And you expected me to just let go…just like it meant nothing at all…wow! You never cease to amaze me…
GUYS, if you want her to let go, dont choose this way out.Give her a little respect and be an adult,tell her face to face especailly if it was a long term relationship.
If I was so “crazy” and “irrational”, wouldnt you think I would have done somthing so CRAZY by now.
Guys, take note, If you dont want to see her”craziness” side than dont walk away from her as she is pleading for you to hear her out.
As if the break up isnt hurtful enough you sent me vicious and cruel emails in attempt to give me “closure”?
Yeah guys, if she needs closure, dont do it by stabbing her numerous amount of times in the heart by telling her all the wrong she did in the last 4yrs.
Worst of all, you selfishly broke up with me during the most difficult times in my life and at no point did you have enough love to say “sorry I couldnt wait any longer” or “are you ok”? Did i care, no I was not selfish, I have been taking all the blame until now. I even loved you enough to go through this pain and suffering while you protected your heart. That is love, not what you gave to me in the end.
Guys, if you know she still has deep deep feelings for you, be a little considerate. Especailly if she hasnt been mean to you the whole time during the whole breakup process.
You didnt deserve my trust, respect, or love. You didnt deserve me! And you were right I shouldnt focus on you anymore because you so dont deserve it!It’s been a month and you still carry nothing but anger and hatred. I know what I have to do to fix my faults but it’s you that just wont change. You’re right, the wounded self can only focus on what was wrong with the other person.
God bless the internet indeed….
July 15, 2009 at 8:44 am
To mr big shot first of all everything you said up above is irreverent. Bottom line and further more a man is a coward when he has to break up with someone you claimed to love over the internet! Coward! You are just at fault in the relationship as her. Remember people it takes two for everything! But I guess when mr big shot was making love to this women he never had these serious issues!!!
July 16, 2009 at 10:38 am
I don’t know the exact details of what transpired in your relationship, but I do know one thing, there are 2 sides to every story and then there is the truth! And I believe that deep down everyone knows the truth, only some chose to deny the role they played in the demise of a relationship because it is less painful and easier rather than hold themselves responsible for the part they played, but make no mistake, you BOTH played a part in it. A relationship doesn’t fall apart based on one person’s actions, because every action is followed by a reaction. You each fall under one of those categories.
This aside, one thing is certain; the way in which you chose to end a 4 year relationship was cruel to say the very least. It was immature and cowardly. A true gentleman would never end a relationship in that manner. He would take the time to end the relationship face to face, to show respect for the woman and the 4 year history they shared together. I think both she and the relationship deserved better than that! At the very least, one would expected a (real) man to do it face to face and not hide behind a computer, blackberry, or phone. He (a real man) would explain why he was ending the relationship, i.e., it’s not meeting my expectations, I am no longer in-love with you, I have met someone else, etc. Whatever the truth may be, he would have given her an honest reason, and in the process allowed her the right to address any questions or feelings she may have wanted to express, so that she too could eventually find peace with her loss and move on. By leaving her abruptly in the manner in which you did, you left her wounded, helpless, confused and in pain. That is not something you do to someone you claim to love, because true love has no prejudice or pride.
Love is not a light switch you turn on and off how you see fit. There are ups and downs in a relationship, and if you truly love someone you stand by them and help them to become a better person. You don’t leave them in that manner. My advice to you dear is to cut your losses, heal your wounds and move on. You deserve better than this!!! And if he did ever love you, obviously that is no longer the case, or he would never have treated you this poorly. The pain he has inflicted on you is inexcusable and he is not worthy of your love. I can hear the suffering in your voice and my heart reaches out to you. Know that you are not alone. Many women have been hurt by heartless cowards like him. You are not the first, nor will you be the last. Find happiness in your friends and loved ones and move on with your life and I am certain that God will again one day bring love into your life, only this time it will be the kind that doesn’t hurt this!
God bless you, I hope you find the peace you need and deserve….